What shame tries to tell us.
Recently someone made a comment that hit me harder than I expected. It challenged how I see myself and made me pause. Before I tell you what they said, let me start with a lighter story.
The quiet strengths we forget
When setting up my website, my web designer asked me if there's a character from a TV show or movie whose voice feels like my brand. I answered instantly: Jimmy from Shrinking.
Maybe you know him. He cares deeply about people and that care is both his strength and his superpower. At times he's awkward and clumsy, yet he's always authentic and emotionally aware. He values real connection, fun, being outdoors, and being with the people he loves.
I see many of those traits in myself. Not the center of attention. Not the polished or inspiring speaker. Simply someone who takes a thorough and sincere approach to work and to life.
The depth of the series combined with the lighthearted jokes is a beautiful combination. "Shrinking" also reflects a philosophy I believe in: A fulfilling career isn't separate from enjoying life and building relationships. There's no strict work life divide. Just a wonderful and unpredictable, sometimes messy, blend.
If you haven't watched the series yet, go for it :)
I share this because many of us underestimate the quiet strengths that make us who we are. You probably have your own Jimmy, a reminder of what makes you uniquely you. I remembered mine recently because something shook my confidence and made me question myself.
When comparison creeps in
We all know that believing in ourselves can be complicated. Our world is full of people who seem like they have it all and most of the time it looks like it comes easy to them. And fast.
Suddenly we doubt our own approach. Our style. Our personality.
Comparison brings heavy feelings. Jealousy. Bitterness. Frustration. Shame. It disconnects us from ourselves.
You know this advice: Stop comparing. Look inward. Focus on what matters to you.
So simple to say. So difficult to live.
I rely on a strong inner foundation. Comments get to me but they don't break me. They pass. Not everyone has the same starting point or support system but I believe this foundation is something anyone can grow. And mine was recently shaken when someone said this to me:
"Enjoy your journey. Not everyone has the chance and time to do what they like. Most people work for a living."
It stunned me. I froze. Then the thoughts rushed in.
I know I carry privilege and I am grateful for my upbringing, my wonderful parents, my siblings, and my husband who supports me in everything I do. I am blessed. And deeply grateful.
I also know that my career is the result of my own focus, effort, and deliverables. That last sentence dismissed all of it. Like many people, I work very hard to be where I am. And because I love my work deeply, I feel an internal pressure to justify it. To prove that it counts. To show that joy and hard work can coexist.
The beauty is that loving my work gives me energy. The challenge is that the emotion underneath isn't always easy to manage. It took time to understand what fuels that intensity.
Shame.
When shame shows up
Shame is powerful and painful. Research shows that it often pushes us to withdraw and question our worth. It's different from guilt. Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says there is something wrong with me.
Shame keeps you small. It tells you that you don't deserve what you have. And it definitely doesn't want you to talk about it.
I feel shame because I am aware of my blessings and also aware that many people suffer violence, war, hunger, diseases. Many work tirelessly just to make it to the next day. Many grow up with fewer opportunities or carry heavy responsibilities, trauma, and chronic stress. Lives, identities, backgrounds, and abilities shape what's possible for each of us. Not everyone has access to the same freedom, stability, or safety.
On a bad day this awareness overwhelms me. On a good day I see that my shame doesn't serve anyone. And then I fall back into relentless doing. Work harder. Produce more. Try to prove something that no one asked me to prove.
When was the last time you felt shame?
Take a moment. Not to judge yourself. Simply to notice.
Melissa Petro’s book "Shame on You: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification" made me realize how present shame is in my life. I used to mistake it for guilt or embarrassment. You may too.
Naming the emotion gave me clarity. I discovered that shame appears in big and small moments. Here are a few everyday shame examples:
Someone corrects you on a detail and you instantly think you should have known better.
Your home is messy when someone drops by unexpectedly.
You struggle to set a boundary and feel weak for it.
Being the only one who arrives overdressed or underdressed.
Feeling guilty because you're privileged and still struggling.
Shame is a negative self-evaluation. It doesn't require doing anything wrong. It's about perceived flaws or failures.
What grounded me again
The good thing about identifying shame is that it loses some of its grip. Once you can call it out, you can ask yourself: Is this really a flaw? Am I truly a bad person because of this?
Next is talking about it. It makes it easier to process and it breaks the intensity. These conversations often end in relief and laughter. The big emotional waves rarely match the reality:
I packed the wrong sneakers for our son's sports class. I am such a terrible mother.
Really? No. Just human.
There is solid science behind this. Studies show that labeling an emotion reduces its impact and allows us to regulate it more effectively.
When that friend said I am not working for a living, I felt shame. Once digested, I was able to share it with my husband and he helped me validate the work and energy I put into everything I do. I could see more clearly again.
I know the comment came from a good place. And I see what they see. From the outside, my life may look like a walk in the park.
Yours probably does too. For someone else you're the one who seems to have it all.
This doesn't make your feelings less real. It simply shows how beautifully complex we are.
Let's celebrate that understanding. What a realization!
Your version of a good life
What makes you successful and happy? On paper and in life?
My inner foundation carries me. I'm aligned with my values and live a life that feels fulfilling to me. I say "to me" because we're motivated by many things: career, money, status, family, health, creativity, community, impact. And so much more. Each of us begins in a unique place, shaped by circumstances, opportunities, and lived experiences.
Everyone builds their version of a meaningful life. There is no right one. Only yours.
If you want to move closer to the life you desire, start here:
What do you want more of in your life?
Why is it important to you?
How can you create more of it?
How can you break it down to get a little closer every day?
These questions support values based action. Write them down and give yourself thirty minutes a day to focus on what matters to you. Small and steady steps create momentum and a real sense of agency. Share your intentions with someone you trust, notice your progress, and celebrate your wins along your journey.
Don't postpone. Start today. Your life is happening now and it shouldn't be a waiting room. Ask yourself gently and honestly: Would you be able to check out at any moment feeling that you have lived the life you wanted to live?
I'm awkward and clumsy at times. But you may see parts of yourself in my authentic, warm, and committed style. If you're ready to take a step toward your own version of a fulfilled life and want support as you move forward, I'm here for you. Reach out and we can explore your path together.
And remember: life doesn't need to be perfect and it never is. A few construction sites and dreams to explore make it more joyful, enriching, and deeply yours.
P.S. I highly recommend Melissa Petro’s book “Shame on You: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification”. For women and men. Her candid storytelling combined with insightful research will help you recognize how shame shows up in your life and and reduce its power over you.
...and if you are looking for a deeply skilled, intentional, and inclusive web-designer, reach out to Danbee Shin.
#SelfAwareness #EmotionalIntelligence #PersonalGrowth #PurposeDrivenLife #Shame
