Is ‘having it all’ making us miserable?

What do you think about the concept of “having it all”? It’s long been a celebrated ideal, especially for women. The message is clear: you can be a successful professional, a nurturing caregiver, a loyal friend, a loving partner, and still be radiant, informed, and evolving.

It sounds empowering. But is it realistic? Is it even something we want?

Social media makes it look easy. Scroll through your feed and you’ll see countless people showcasing their impressive accomplishments. These are just glimpses, not the whole story.

And of course: We know that. But we still compare ourselves and often come up short.

These comparisons lead to shame, and shame keeps us small. We don't dare to share our struggles and doubts, and we don’t ask for support. We just try harder.

The result is constant busyness. Our days fill with tasks, time flies, and there’s no work-life balance. We’re always “on,” and it’s exhausting, tough, and lonely. Chasing “having it all” can set us up for burnout, disappointment, or failure.

Yet, we keep going, hoping for a better tomorrow.

So how do we break this cycle? How can we enjoy today while working toward a meaningful future?

Why self-awareness matters more than perfection

Recently, a friend described me as someone who “has her shit together” (her words, not mine!). Instead of feeling flattered, I felt pressure. The past few weeks had been difficult. I struggled, felt low, and doubted myself.

Her comment stuck with me. I felt pressured, maybe even ashamed. It got me thinking: Why do I react so strongly?

Here’s what I realized and the reminder I needed:

There are three general mindsets when it comes to emotional well-being:

• Survival mode: Feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or miserable.

• Escape mode: Living for weekends, vacations, or distractions.

• Intentional mode: Feeling mostly balanced, grounded, and resilient.

We all move between these mindsets at different times. Life isn’t static, and neither are we. What matters most is being aware of where we are and being honest with ourselves.

People in Escape mode often distract themselves from deeper dissatisfaction, but over time, this catches up. Regrets, frustrations, and bitterness can set in, sometimes leading straight to Survival mode.

What sets Intentional mode apart? People in this group know their core values and live by them. They understand what’s important to them and make decisions accordingly.

This brings me back to the myth of “having it all.” It suggests you never need to pause, reflect, or choose. Just keep reaching for more. That’s where it fails us.

To “have it all,” you first need to define what “all” means to you.

What are your terms for a joyful, fulfilling, and successful life?

A great life does not look the same for me, your partner, or your friend. Whatever energizes you, might drain me. What fascinates you might completely bore me. So ask yourself:

• What is important to me?

• What are my values?

• Who do I want to become?

• What motivates and energizes me?

• What do I truly enjoy?

• What do I want more of in my life, and how can I create space for it?

How do your current goals and ambitions fit into this? Do they support your autonomy, purpose, and meaningful connections? Psychologists call this intrinsic motivation; when your goals align with your personal values, you’re more likely to feel energized and resilient, even when stretched.

If you’re pushing yourself and it feels hard, exhausting, or lonely, take a moment and ask:

• What drains me?

• Why am I doing this?

• For what, and for whom?

• How can I let go of what no longer serves me?

If your aspirations don’t align with your core values, it’s not failure to let them go. It’s clarity. Your time and energy deserve that respect.

Knowing your values and drivers helps you in challenging chapters. You do not lose yourself. And even when you need to compromise, you understand why. You get to live authentically, a superpower we all have, but only a few master.

It also makes relationships easier (better!). You start to see and appreciate differences in others instead of clashing with them. You can either value the diversity people bring to your life, or, if needed, step away with clarity.

The same applies to work. If your company’s culture does not align with your values, you'll feel the friction. It's not about being a problem but a mismatch you can address.

Misalignment drains. Alignment fuels. Our values bring us back when we drift.

When you don’t feel like you have it together

Coming back to my friend’s comment: it made me feel like an imposter. Personally, because I hadn’t been doing well. Professionally, because as a coach, shouldn’t I be thriving at all times?

Here’s what I needed to remember (and maybe you do too): Looking like you have it all together doesn’t mean you’re without struggles. Everyone has tough days.

If you’re self-aware, a challenging phase won’t shake your core beliefs or self-worth. My low slowed me down, but I knew I didn’t need to change direction. I just needed to pause, be present, and give myself grace.

Treating yourself kindly is one of the hardest and most underrated skills. If you’re going through a rough patch, give yourself some grace. Take a break. Talk with someone you trust. Do something you love.

Nurturing self-compassion and building self-care habits strengthen your resilience and help you get back on track.

So, what does “having it all” look like for you?

Start defining your own ideal. What’s important to you? Who matters most? What small step can you take this week to move closer to your vision?

Wherever you are on the journey, overwhelmed, figuring things out, or on your way to better alignment, you're not alone. Talking to others about your doubts can be surprisingly empowering.

If you're ready to take a step toward your version of a fulfilled life and would like support along the way, I’m here for you. Reach out, we can explore your path together.

Keep shining, Yvonne